What Kills the Goose is Good for the Gander – Drones, Rifles and Pressure Cookers

What Kills the Goose is Good for the Gander – Drones, Rifles and Pressure Cookers

While staring at the at the pot roast cooking in her pressure cooker, Mariam Williams came across that time old question that bothers even the most veteran of Michelin starred awarded chefs.

“Should I register this device with the government as a potential device of destruction?”

Unlike most of the citizens in her HOA and suburban landscaped province of New Hapsburg, N.V., Mariam’s answer was an unequivocal: “YES!”

So, after Mrs. Williams saw the carnage on her 5 O’clock news that reported that a pressure cooker had indeed been used in a terrorist act late Tuesday morning, she called her local authorities to register her Fissler Vitaquick 8 1/2 Quart Pressure Cooker. A Unified Police dispatcher took Mrs. Williams’s manufacture’s specifications in respect to her Fissler Vitaquick and quickly handed the data off to the F.B.I., C.I.A. & N.S.A officials on their checklist for government bodies that track terrorist activities.

Mrs. Williams' displays her device with the confusion of any of Barkers' Beauties

“The note that we got back surprised us. We expected some sort of response, but what we got back put our mind at ease—that is to say the least!” Richard Graham, an office manager at Promises’ Hollow, the retirement community that is responsible for opening Mrs. Williams’s mail, reading it for suspicious or subversive material, and finally delivering to her (or not depending on the contents from loved ones that they find).

“The Obama administration was very clear about America’s use of registering devices of potential destruction. Richard, nice kid—not the smartest though, he assured me, very bluntly, that the policies that our government is in congress with; in respect to various fortified practices that are being conducted abroad—and here on American soil—pertaining to the use of manned and manned devices of destruction.” Mrs. Williams told us at BSN.

So what is this confused yet official answer that Mrs. Williams received?

It was Chris W. Cox’s response derived from the N.R.A.’s own website. The statement read:

…Today, the misguided Manchin-Toomey-Schumer proposal failed in the U.S. Senate. This amendment would have criminalized certain private transfers of firearms between honest citizens, requiring lifelong friends, neighbors and some family members to get federal government permission to exercise a fundamental right or face prosecution.  As we have noted previously, expanding background checks, at gun shows or elsewhere, will not reduce violent crime or keep our kids safe in their schools.

OMG! Buy backs on guns just sucks - like most fiction.

So why is the Obama admiration displaying victories promoted on the websites of their incumbent party’s perceived adversaries? The answer is simple is you ask onetime Sheriff of Daedric County and longtime NRA member Pervez Mu.

“In Daedric County we are currently in the possession of fifteen unmanned drones obtained from the Israeli military. Now the ATF is very clear on their laws governing explosives/pressure cookers, but it also says that if we strapped a couple of rifles—which we have—to the sides of these drones—which we own and remotely fire them—which we have, sometimes at illegals, then let me tell you what; you cock those guns with some rubber bullets—for now (the Sheriff winked at this moment) and you have a great chance at breaking up a lawful, but unwanted protest. We learned a lot about civilians, both abroad and in these United States, the last couple of years. Number one lesson learned? Crowds of unwanted people on the ground are not ready for unmanned, yet, relatively armed aircraft. Hell, as of yet, we can legally fire a can of teargas at a stinky group of hippies in a rainbow circle at a public park without warning and technically all we are doing is fighting, constructively, in the war on drugs. I just can’t explain how happy we are with the results that have manifested from working with the U.S. government and its allies in this endeavor.” Sheriff Mu said then ran from an unhappy group of his former citizens as he reached a manned helicopter just in time to help him flee his former constituency.

Wait, were we fighting each other about owning guns or registering my downloaded music?

Explosives, guns, pressure cookers. 

What do these all have in common? If you ask former Blackwater employee, soldier of fortune, and candidate unlikely to get healthy medical treatment for his PTSD at his local VA, Mr. Blackotter, then the answer is simple,  “not assassination.” But if you ask again holding out U.S. currency, then the answer is a little simpler. “A drone or a gun isn’t ever going to try to cook a tough pump roast for your dumb ass. The act of turning a cooking device into a weapon against fellow citizens is a subversive act. It would be like taking a surveillance device, like say like an unmanned drone with a camera attached to it, and then making it into a weapon with rifles attached to it. Trust me; I don’t think that we in the U.S. will be seeing those anytime soon.” 

The Obama Administration would disagree, not in any statement of their own, but purely by their actions—which until further notice rides high like a Pegasus above such meaningless rainbow documents as the Geneva Convention.

Yes we can...and no that is not a drone following you to Vegas!

 Pervez Mu offered an interesting tidbit as he fled his self-incurred mob, “Guns, they are protected by the NRA, not the constitution. Drones, they are protected by the current administration, not the constitution. Hell, even PETA has unmanned drones that survey popular hunting spots across the intermountain west and then they report the hunters as criminals on their own website as we speak. Everyone knows that PETA doesn’t give a shit about people. You think those hunters are pissed about being on a website with a 5-point buck in their hands, shit, PETA just saved those hunters the time that it took to upload the same pictures onto their own Facebook page. Pretty soon the hunters are going to see drones with rifles attached that are firing rubber bullets flying at them. And you know who is going to be firing those bullets? Out of work soldiers of fortune, pilots or maybe even children. Most likely children. They seem pretty fucking good at video games and shit.”

The only thing that seems sure to BSN is Mrs. Williams. She summed up her understanding by saying, “From what I figure is that if I put a crude, but armed explosive in my sweet Fissler Vitaquick with a detonator, nails and ball bearings and then stay with it then the device: it  is manned. But, if I get up and leave it somewhere, then it is unmanned. So don’t worry, this pot roast you all are eating was manned the entire time—except for when the Price of Right was on for about an hour.”

Manned indeed, but in need of some salt. Thank you for the clarification Mrs. Williams.

—BSN