Iranian President Meets with Leading American Activist

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad convened on the lawn of the Equality House in Topeka Kansas with Aaron Jackson, President of PlantingPeace.org, in order to discuss color scheming for the Iranian President’s summer house that he will begin construction on 2014, following his last term in office.

The Little House on the Prairie finally comes out.

The Iranian President took a disinterested stance on the reasons for the creation of the Equality House asserting that “Iran has no homosexuals, it is not a phenomenon the one finds in my country.” He then corrected his statement when confronted by his part-time personal designer and full time cleric Ayatollah Mohammed Momen who insisted that “…homosexuality is indeed a problem in Iran and needs to be dealt with in a swift and just manner under the tenets of Sharia law. We ban it for a reason, because it is wrong."  Ayatollah Momen then complemented Mr. Jackson on his incorporation of magnesium violet into the color scheme of the house as the implementation of God’s Will.

Pres. Ahmadinejad responded to his designer’s allegations by correcting those who misunderstood him, saying “Yes, okay, homosexuality is a phenomenon in Iran, and probably all around the world, but I know that in Iran, at least, our gays aren’t all in your face about it like in America. I meant that when compared to America we are not gay, but frankly compared to America, nobody is really gay” and ended his dissemination on queer culture in America by high-fiving his designer.

"I like how you called them gay without them ever-knowing."

When Mr. Jackson inquired about why his state needed to implement punishments against those practicing homosexuality in Iran, Pres. Ahmadinejad informed him, “I defer to the dissenting opinion of Justice Scalia, who is one of the Supreme Holy Judges from your American Guardian Council.  Justice Scalia described the cultural ramifications of criminalizing sodomy one day, then and granting it as a God-given right the next day when he said that in your own judicial history ‘homosexual sodomy was prohibited by a law targeted at same-sex sexual relations or by a more general law prohibiting both homosexual and heterosexual sodomy, the only relevant point is that it was criminalized–which suffices to establish that homosexual sodomy is not a right deeply rooted in our Nation’s history and tradition.’ He said that about America and America is at least ninety-nine point nine percent gayer than Iran.”

I would like to offer a dissenting option against homosexuality and an order if favor of a picnic ham that I will not sharing with the other Justices.

Pres. Ahmadinejad went on to explain his stance by stating, “Whether it is the heterosexual sodomy enjoyed by the Italians and it’s fellow members of the European Union or the homosexual sodomy enjoyed without restraint here in your native America; anal is not a cultural norm held by Persians—don’t forget about the trouble we had with the Greeks and all their ass-play, and that was like three thousand years ago.”  Pres. Ahmadinejad and his designer Ayatollah Momen tried to change the subject by asking Mr. Jackson whether or not the burning cross on his lawn served some sort of functionality or was merely an aesthetic choice. Mr. Jackson assured Pres. Ahmadinejad that the seven-foot high burning cross was both a functional and aesthetic choice, though not one of his own.

"I have five drachmas on Milo of Croton - he is the one without the boner, that is always a good sign."

Mr. Jackson picked up the conversation where Pres. Ahmadinejad had left off by asking if members in the transgender community had to fear the same persecution as homosexuals. The Iranian President reluctantly answered that while homosexuality could only be seen as a sin, transgendered individuals were merely suffering from an illness. “We have a saying in Iran: if it is sick, chop off its dick, but if it is gay then take it away—and chop of its head. It is not a perfect translation, but I believe the saying still gets the point across." Mr. Jackson then gave Pres. Ahmadinejad a way out by asking if maybe the saying was more euphemism than policy. Pres. Ahmadinejad responded by shaking his head in the negative and saying, “Trust me my man, if you get caught doing ass-play with another dude, then you are going to have to make some hard choices about whether the government starts cutting you from either ear to ear or from the taint to tummy.”

"My Lord, their house looks like I could walk to Valhalla upon it. I must find a way own that fantastic rainbow!"

Pres. Ahmadinejad then stated that after he was finished with his political career he was thinking about rejoining the academic world by doing scientific work in a university. He said that in particular he was very interested in finding ways to combine his love of uranium with the utter destruction of the State of Israel.  Pres. Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Momen where finally asked to leave the Equality House and were said to be heading to Paisano’s Ristorante to enjoy a fine Italian dish which reportedly would include neither pork during nor sodomy after.

In a related star-sighting Westboro Baptist Church member Richard Mumkin was spotted outside the Equality House taking pictures of the brightly colored abode. When asked what the pictures would be used for, his response was “not arson.”

—BSN