New Contributor to Blog - Scout

New Contributor to Blog - Scout

The Bedroom Master came home last morning with a beefy roast the size of one of those suspicious cars that the Boy remotely stalks me with, and I am not ashamed to admit that I wanted that beefy roast. So, as the Bedroom Master left to take to his private bowel movements, I took the beefy roast for myself. I did not share it with the Bitch because she was not tall enough to help me procure the beefy roast, and therefore, did not deserve any of its deliciousness. I devoured it quickly as the Ornery Cat watched in horror, and it was delicious like I thought that it would be, although I now know that I prefer cooked beefy roast, if I am to be offered the choice in the future.

When the Bedroom Master returned with that stupid look on his face, the one that he has when he forgets his house keys in the front door lock and cannot remember where he left them, I smiled in glee at my deed. It was stupid of him to take to his seat in the private room (the one he only allows the New Cat to accompany him into) to evacuate his bowels. You lost the beefy roast, Bedroom Master, precisely because of your short-sighted need for privacy. That is why I defecate within sight of all of my bones and chew toys.

I was enjoying myself immensely, right up until the moment that I realized that my stomach was too small to accommodate five pounds of beefy roast before digestion could commence. I was then forced to relinquish all five pounds of half-digested, beefy roast back to the Bedroom Master. The hardwood kitchen floor seemed a perfect spot for this surrender, although the Bedroom Master was displeased by my choice. He yelled “Naw, bad, naw, naw, naw—outside!” It was hilarious, but I was forced to remain outside for what I can only assume was forever, since I have no sense of time, nor any real concept of eternity. I have still not been granted access to the bedroom since this incident, so I will continue my silent protest of devouring throw pillows until the Bedroom Master concedes that access to the giant bed is my Dog-given right. I find life empty without my spot on the bed, because it is by far the most blanket rich resource in the entire house.

—     Scout (A.K.A. Good Boy)

Scout is now a contributing member of Wasatch Pulp as well as an asshole with significant boundary issues.

 

What Kills the Goose is Good for the Gander – Drones, Rifles and Pressure Cookers

What Kills the Goose is Good for the Gander – Drones, Rifles and Pressure Cookers

While staring at the at the pot roast cooking in her pressure cooker, Mariam Williams came across that time old question that bothers even the most veteran of Michelin starred awarded chefs.

“Should I register this device with the government as a potential device of destruction?”

Unlike most of the citizens in her HOA and suburban landscaped province of New Hapsburg, N.V., Mariam’s answer was an unequivocal: “YES!”

So, after Mrs. Williams saw the carnage on her 5 O’clock news that reported that a pressure cooker had indeed been used in a terrorist act late Tuesday morning, she called her local authorities to register her Fissler Vitaquick 8 1/2 Quart Pressure Cooker. A Unified Police dispatcher took Mrs. Williams’s manufacture’s specifications in respect to her Fissler Vitaquick and quickly handed the data off to the F.B.I., C.I.A. & N.S.A officials on their checklist for government bodies that track terrorist activities.

Mrs. Williams' displays her device with the confusion of any of Barkers' Beauties

“The note that we got back surprised us. We expected some sort of response, but what we got back put our mind at ease—that is to say the least!” Richard Graham, an office manager at Promises’ Hollow, the retirement community that is responsible for opening Mrs. Williams’s mail, reading it for suspicious or subversive material, and finally delivering to her (or not depending on the contents from loved ones that they find).

“The Obama administration was very clear about America’s use of registering devices of potential destruction. Richard, nice kid—not the smartest though, he assured me, very bluntly, that the policies that our government is in congress with; in respect to various fortified practices that are being conducted abroad—and here on American soil—pertaining to the use of manned and manned devices of destruction.” Mrs. Williams told us at BSN.

So what is this confused yet official answer that Mrs. Williams received?

It was Chris W. Cox’s response derived from the N.R.A.’s own website. The statement read:

…Today, the misguided Manchin-Toomey-Schumer proposal failed in the U.S. Senate. This amendment would have criminalized certain private transfers of firearms between honest citizens, requiring lifelong friends, neighbors and some family members to get federal government permission to exercise a fundamental right or face prosecution.  As we have noted previously, expanding background checks, at gun shows or elsewhere, will not reduce violent crime or keep our kids safe in their schools.

OMG! Buy backs on guns just sucks - like most fiction.

So why is the Obama admiration displaying victories promoted on the websites of their incumbent party’s perceived adversaries? The answer is simple is you ask onetime Sheriff of Daedric County and longtime NRA member Pervez Mu.

“In Daedric County we are currently in the possession of fifteen unmanned drones obtained from the Israeli military. Now the ATF is very clear on their laws governing explosives/pressure cookers, but it also says that if we strapped a couple of rifles—which we have—to the sides of these drones—which we own and remotely fire them—which we have, sometimes at illegals, then let me tell you what; you cock those guns with some rubber bullets—for now (the Sheriff winked at this moment) and you have a great chance at breaking up a lawful, but unwanted protest. We learned a lot about civilians, both abroad and in these United States, the last couple of years. Number one lesson learned? Crowds of unwanted people on the ground are not ready for unmanned, yet, relatively armed aircraft. Hell, as of yet, we can legally fire a can of teargas at a stinky group of hippies in a rainbow circle at a public park without warning and technically all we are doing is fighting, constructively, in the war on drugs. I just can’t explain how happy we are with the results that have manifested from working with the U.S. government and its allies in this endeavor.” Sheriff Mu said then ran from an unhappy group of his former citizens as he reached a manned helicopter just in time to help him flee his former constituency.

Wait, were we fighting each other about owning guns or registering my downloaded music?

Explosives, guns, pressure cookers. 

What do these all have in common? If you ask former Blackwater employee, soldier of fortune, and candidate unlikely to get healthy medical treatment for his PTSD at his local VA, Mr. Blackotter, then the answer is simple,  “not assassination.” But if you ask again holding out U.S. currency, then the answer is a little simpler. “A drone or a gun isn’t ever going to try to cook a tough pump roast for your dumb ass. The act of turning a cooking device into a weapon against fellow citizens is a subversive act. It would be like taking a surveillance device, like say like an unmanned drone with a camera attached to it, and then making it into a weapon with rifles attached to it. Trust me; I don’t think that we in the U.S. will be seeing those anytime soon.” 

The Obama Administration would disagree, not in any statement of their own, but purely by their actions—which until further notice rides high like a Pegasus above such meaningless rainbow documents as the Geneva Convention.

Yes we can...and no that is not a drone following you to Vegas!

 Pervez Mu offered an interesting tidbit as he fled his self-incurred mob, “Guns, they are protected by the NRA, not the constitution. Drones, they are protected by the current administration, not the constitution. Hell, even PETA has unmanned drones that survey popular hunting spots across the intermountain west and then they report the hunters as criminals on their own website as we speak. Everyone knows that PETA doesn’t give a shit about people. You think those hunters are pissed about being on a website with a 5-point buck in their hands, shit, PETA just saved those hunters the time that it took to upload the same pictures onto their own Facebook page. Pretty soon the hunters are going to see drones with rifles attached that are firing rubber bullets flying at them. And you know who is going to be firing those bullets? Out of work soldiers of fortune, pilots or maybe even children. Most likely children. They seem pretty fucking good at video games and shit.”

The only thing that seems sure to BSN is Mrs. Williams. She summed up her understanding by saying, “From what I figure is that if I put a crude, but armed explosive in my sweet Fissler Vitaquick with a detonator, nails and ball bearings and then stay with it then the device: it  is manned. But, if I get up and leave it somewhere, then it is unmanned. So don’t worry, this pot roast you all are eating was manned the entire time—except for when the Price of Right was on for about an hour.”

Manned indeed, but in need of some salt. Thank you for the clarification Mrs. Williams.

—BSN

Mormon Cook Finds A New Meaning Through Blogging

Jennifer Briner enjoys cooking up recipes for her children, extended family, and lately, her growing online family. Briner is a blogger who has begun enjoying moderate success with her website, 2jarediteingredients.com, by combining her Mormon sensibilities with the lazy, no frills elements of an economically depressed dinner. Her recipes often consist of two ingredients that Jaredites would have used in their traditional, Mesoamerican diet.

"A Mormon cooking blog? Oh Yeah!"

 “One of my go-to recipes is my Pre-Columbian Pork Casserole. It is an exotic journey of flavors that includes shredded pieces of pork shoulder that simmered all day inside of a crockpot with water. The tender meat is then mixed with thawed corn and placed inside of a casserole dish topped with clods torn from a can of Pillsbury refrigerated crust French loaf. The meal then cooks at 350F for fifteen minutes. I tried to add salt and pepper but the flavors got a little too Laminite, so I had to back off of the forbidden spiciness, so to speak.”

"If we wanted salt we'd of asked Lot and his wife to dinner - now back to your cave, Ether!"

When asked about the authenticity of Mrs. Briner’s Mesoamerican ingredients, Mariam Westbrook of the Smithsonian Institute responded that, “The Smithsonian Institute does not regard the Book of Mormon as a document that holds any merit in respect to the historicity of Mesoamerica. There are at least two ingredients in Mrs. Briner’s recipe that are historically inaccurate in her Pre-Columbian Pork Casserole recipe: the pork and the casserole. First, there were no classes or variants of domesticated swine in pre-Columbian Mesoamerica. Second, I’m pretty sure that they did not have access to either refrigeration or Pillsbury refrigerated crust French loaf…although she did get the maize correct. Corn was definitely present in the pre-entrada New World. If Mrs. Briner is using the Book of Mormon as a historical reference to the earlier diet of Mesoamerica then I think she is headed in the wrong direction. But, if she is using this idea as a mythic way of socially constructing her belief system around her cooking habits then her words need to express that. What I can’t stand is the sheer amount of ambiguity that this whole concept seems to generate.”

"We got the end of the world wrong, but that was screwing up the future. There is no excuse for screwing up the past."

Mr. Ben Briner, Jennifer Briner’s husband, who himself owns and operates a suit shop for fashion-conscientious, returned-Mormon missionaries called Not-Your-Father’s Liahonia, defended his wife’s minimalistic meals. “Jenny’s dinners are a constant callback to the old days when those of mixed Jewish and Egyptian ancestry migrated to Mesoamerica and domesticated the native horses, sheep and swine of their new and savage land. Trust me when I tell you that her cooking is authentically bland. The early Mormon pioneers also stuck to this diet while migrating out west. We have a saying we use at our table ‘Gays, wasps and apostates live to eat. Mormon’s eat to live, so don’t complain and finish everything on your plate—or else you might be excommunicated!” Mr. Briner finished his sentence with a good-natured chuckle.

"We are the rarest kind of return missionaries. You guessed it - ones in desperate need of swag!"

Mrs. Westbrook responded to Mr. Briner’s criticism by noting, “There were no native horses, sheep or swine in Mesoamerica during the periods of the Archaic, Pre-Classical or Classical eras when this supposed migration might have taken place. If Mr. Briner is speaking in terms of generalities then he should say so by using phrases like ‘large mammals’ or ‘piggy-looking thingies’. Otherwise he should be more precise with his language and encourage his wife to cook more llama, which was the only domesticated, large mammal in Mesoamerica at the time of said mythic migration.”

"Eat it, Tina - you fat lard or else my wife will be cooking you in fat and lard and then I will eat you!"

Pillsbury sounded in by saying that they were definitely big fans of 2jarediteingredients.com. The pseudo-bread making company has posted dozens of Mr. Briner’s recipes on their website in their ‘3-ingredient Recipe’ section. “Most of Mr. Briner’s recipes can be found in one of our recession aware categories:  ‘Meat in between bread—which feature her corn dog and hot dog recipes, Meat on bread—which feature her ham and cheese recipes, or Meat under bread—which show-off her famous casserole recipes. Mr. Briner is helping budget savvy consumers accept the dismal economic choices that they are faced with during these difficult times. We at Pillsbury are just happy to help feed those on the bottom rungs of America’s dissipating middle-class.”

"The quarterly analysis shows that we earned another portion of the Mormon market gap, but alas, at what price?!"

Whether you are into frugal meal making and religiously orthodox cook-books or an opponent of simplicity when it comes to your chiffonades, Mrs. Briner and her blog have tapped into more than a need-based mindset of cooking. “Cooking this way is a choice for us,” Mrs. Briner summarized. “We have made a decision that makes the people who attend our dinner the stars of the meal, not the food itself. If these recipes don’t fit your tastes, or if your budget doesn’t need to be considered when cooking for your family, then don’t use my recipes. But, the one ingredient that I would never recommend scrimping on is love.” And so Mrs. Briner ended our conversation by offering up the tastiest idea of all: food, whether served as a plain necessity or as a goldenly opulent sundae, should bring people together in an experience that doesn’t leave them starved of human connection. After all, what is the use of cooking 6 lbs. of Prime Rib Au Poivre if you eat the whole damn roast yourself?

-B.S.N.